i think my tv is drunk
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Randomize
