Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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