Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
Randomize