either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
