i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
I made him laugh his dick is mine
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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