why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
I accidentally burped into my bong.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
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