sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Randomize
