cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize
