OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Randomize
