sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
I won't apologize to a one balled man
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
