He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
do nipples grow back?
Randomize
