i hope thats the last time i ever see ryan's hairy ass fucking
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
