I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize