I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
Randomize
