hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Randomize
