He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Randomize
