Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
Randomize
