Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
Randomize
