We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
