Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
My balls are so social today.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
