Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
