He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
Randomize
