All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Randomize
