I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
you would pick up someone in the library
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Randomize