Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
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