And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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