Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Randomize
