Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Randomize
