So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
