it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
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