I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
