Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
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