just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
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