My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
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