Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
Randomize
