How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
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