I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Randomize
