i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
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