I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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