I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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