hotel room ftw
I think my fart just growled at me.
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
I can't put those talents on a resume
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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