finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
