I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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