You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
