I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
