I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
