the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
