the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
