i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Randomize
