I am spending my child support on dildos
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
last night I used snow as a chaser
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Randomize
