Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
