When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
