Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
Your cock deserves a montage
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
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