I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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