I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
