so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
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