Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
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