I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
