remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
